On a good day I am a petite, plump, 36 year old (but I swear I don’t look a day over 28) funny, confident, Jewish gal from L.A. who loves herself. I like my skin, I like my hair, I like my smile and I like my nail beds. On a bad day, I am a manly, short, fat, 36 but looks 50, obnoxious, Jewish malcontent from L.A. who hates herself, as well as her butt, her stomach, her eyelashes and her teeth.
Lately, I have struggled on a daily basis to convince myself that I can leave the house and greet Orlando without a bag on my head. I am convinced this outlook comes from my less than stellar physique, which in the past 5 years has taken a trip down south, with, it seems… a lot of luggage. If you really think about it, there is really nothing worse than a fat girl outside when the heat index reaches 111 degrees and the humidity is at 90%. And I sweat. Boy do I sweat. Normally, I only have to stand in front of a warm oven before I need to change my shirt so you can picture what it’s like for me to leave the house in the middle of August in Florida. Have I painted a picture?
So instead of watching my Forensic Files with a bowl of cookie dough I decided to sign up for Deep Water Fitness at the Downtown Maitland RDV … the Gym.
The RDV is about 20 minutes away. It’s gorgeous and happens to be the home of the Orlando Magic Basketball team. WHOOOOO! Go Magic!!!! They also have a pretty stellar swimming pool with a killer sound system that plays Lionel Ritchie 24/7.
But before I embark on my latest endeavor … I must buy myself a swimsuit.
God help me.
Doug and I are watching the pennies as we have become accustomed to something called “dinner” … every night. So, off I go to the Target in bea-utiful downtown Cassleberry! Sandwiched between the Steak n’ Shake and the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Hybrid. This local target lies directly across the street from a shooting range and a hair salon. Very convenient for most Floridians. I enter this paean of discount and waddle on over to the Misses bathing suits. Immediate disappointment, as I find all they have left are bikinis. That’s ok. I am a little chunky. Why don’t I try the section entitled “Woman”? Now, in case you don’t know, “Woman” in retail language, is another word for “Plus-Size” which is another word for “Fat”.
Now in “Woman” I would have had some luck if I was looking for short-sleeved business suits or workout wear not a bathing suit. I found no purported Isaac Mizrahi designer outfits. No Mossimo dresses. No retro looking Capri jeans and retro tees… and even more relevant… no bathing suits. Obviously someone is sending us chubby gals a message that we need to get jobs and work out more. Hmmm. Interesting. I am now feeling really, really, bargain basement. Not a good feeling for a girl who used to shop at Saks.
About to give up and toddle on over to Lane Bryant in defeat, I see a bright sign beckoning all expectant mothers to “Maternity”. Maybe it’s me, but the Maternity section was almost highlighted in target, as if they were proud of it. Then I remembered that pregnant women are the only acceptable “Plus Size” woman in our society. Us zaftig gals sit in the back of the proverbial bus. A lightbulb went off in my head. So, almost out of steam from disappointment and shame I decide to take on the Maternity section in the hope that they have a good, cheap suit that doesn’t look like something a pregnant woman on food-stamps would wear. Lo and behold the Maternity section is overflowing with choices. Designer Maternity, negligees, sporty ensembles, even cute Capri jeans and retro t-shirt maternity. Clearly, America loves their women pregnant. As luck would have it, I stumbled upon a demure tankini for $15.00 with enough room for my ample (non-fertilized) tummy. Now I just have to make it out of here without someone asking me when I’m due.
The next day, I arrive for my first class bright eyed and bushy-tailed. Greeted by Deep Water Fitness stalwart – Ruth-Ann. Seventy-five if she’s a day and fit as a fiddle she’d be proud to tell ya! Ruth-Ann has been coming to this class 3 times a week for 3 years and just loves it! “It’s good for the vitals!” Primed and ready, she buckles on her floatation belt, straps weights to her feet, grabs her bright orange foam dumbbells and climbs into the pool like a geriatric water sprite. I am secretly laughing inside until I realize, I too, will be donning the same equipment…. except I have a silver swim cap which doesn’t exactly flatter my fluorescent skin.
So to recap: Maternity tankini, floatation belt, ankle weights, bright orange foam dumbbells, silver latex swim cap and fluorescent skin … oh! And pink flip-flops. Got a visual? Good. Now take that visual and surround me with about eleven senior citizens in similar get-ups and you got yourself a mental picture of my class.
Dora Lisa is our enthusiastic teacher and she leads us through the basic water calisthenics with aplomb. Dora Lisa shows us that kicking both legs to the right and then to the left is called a “Jackie Chan”! Pushing our dumbbells down across our stomachs is “wiping jelly off our belly” and so on. As humiliating as it is, the good thing about it is that when I sweat, I just dunk my head in the water and I’m all cooled off. Finally it seems, I have found my exercise that encompasses, no over-heating, laughter and Lionel Ritchie…. and I’ve even made a couple of friends. What more could a chubby Jew want?
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