Oh my ... you MUST check this out:
DOLLY PARTON'S DIXIE STAMPEDE DINNER AND SHOW!!! Link
This place is hideously fantastic. My sister Lisa took me and Doug as an anniversary present when she was out here and I must say we have never been the same.
If there is another Holocaust, we will be taken to "the stables", rounded up in the Dixie Stampede and gassed.
After you park you are forced to walk by the stables and check out the horses who look thoroughly depressed and forcibly drugged. Once elegant, proud creatures they are now nothing more than stallions made to act like asses.
The stables lead you to the front door of the "Tara-like" structure manned by pimple faced teenagers dressed in hand-me down Disney costumes ... all of which look like they were used for Beauty and the Beast on Ice. Corralled into the queue to pay $50.00 a pop you are then ushered subtley past the gift shop into the massive "saloon" area to drink punch and beer and eat roasted peanuts. All the while a pitchy saloon singer resembling Liza Minelli circa 1992 whoops it up and urges us all to sing along the "Who Killed Aunt Rhoda" (just for fun: http://www.memorabletv.com/showsr/rhoda.htm).
After enduring this we shuffle into the main theatre/arena/showplace/death-den with the promise of more entertainment and a meal. We are seated much like prisoners, in a single file community-style tables that conveniently circle the entire 1000 seat horse-show arena. I wonder about the sanitary nature of feeding the public in the same place horses perform and urinate. Wait! My Confederate Waitress just handed me a beer (4% alcohol by volume ... not enough I fear). What was I saying??? Anyway ...
Seems like half the arena is propagated by Confederate costumed wait-staff and the other half by Union style. Oh I get it! Looks like we are gonna have a good ol' fashioned mealtime rivalry! We are on the Confederate side and are asked to cheer relentlessly for our Confederacy to win all the horse-based activities. To my left is an African-American family buying Confederate pennants to wave and to my right is an Asian-American family looking clueless. I wonder how they feel whoppin' it up for Slavery? My guess is that it doesn't feel great, but we are ao packed into our prison seating it's too late to leave now. It's at this point I notice the gal in front of me wearing a revealing peasant top that showcases a 1/4 scale face tattoo of Dolly Parton on her chest. The wait staff knows her by name so I'm guessing this isn't her first time eating with the horses. I quickly pull a sweater over my "MY BUSH IS PRO-CHOICE" t-shirt.
The show begins with a video package of the very welcoming Dolly Parton leading us into the national anthem. We all stand. then ...
"Amidst the fog, the sound of beating hooves begins to grow…
the crowd watches in amazement and the excitement spreads throughout the grand arena…suddenly, as if by magic, a herd of wild buffalo appears..."
What the....!!!???
Aren't they endangered?
I feel humiliated for them and look for the nearest exit. Nothing close. Damn you Dolly!!!!
For the next hour we are showcased half-hearted, rote horse stunts, "special effects", frightening circus-clown comedy routines, ostrich, and piglet races and witty banter. All this while being served Lipton creamy vegetable soup from a pitcher and a roasted game hen (ironically during the chicken chasing competiton) finished off by a Sara Lee Apple Turnover. Yum. I could barely drink enough beer out of my jelly jar mug to force it down. We will be eating at Houston's later (they allow Jews in now).
Finally, after an hour and a half, the show is coming to an end. Us Confederate Soldiers pack a mean punch but are no match for them Yankees. The Union wins. Slavery is defeated! Fireworks! Piped in band music! More Buffalo!
We are led the only way out conveniently through the gift shop. The Hostess of the show is sheepishly saying goodbye at the door and shaking hands wearing an uncomfortable smile. Kids beg for stuffed horses and Dolly Parton BB guns while their parents hypnotically give them the money with one hand while sipping a Bud with another.
Doug, Lisa and I manuever our way out to the parking lot, past the tour busses of seniors and Asians and finally make it to the car. It seems we haven't been gassed or turned into lamp shades yet, so I guess the evening was a success.
No wonder I'm on enough Effexor to choke a horse. If I take too much, I can do a mean impression of the host of the show. But that's neither here nor there...
Was that an over-share?
It's still light out. We are hungry. Not just for food but for real entertainment.
Let's see a movie! Bewitched! That'll cheer us up! That's a comedy with Will Ferrell! We love Will!!!!!
Off to Downtown Disney we go. Downtown Disney. Hmmmmm.
I'll let you figure out the rest ....
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